Do you feel it in the air? The overwhelming anxiety? The faint flickers of hope submerged in a blanket of dread? That widespread sense of impending doom?
As a new chapter in the Battle of Ontario ramps up this weekend, when the Leafs face the Ottawa Senators in the first round of the NHL playoffs, many Torontonians will be hopping on the bandwagon, giddy at the prospect of fun.
But longtime fans know where this almost certainly leads. Sure, we hope for the thrill of victory. But we expect to have our hearts stomped on. Fifty-six times bitten, 57 times shy.
In the spirit of legendary Chicago newspaper columnist Mike Royko’s annual quiz on his (then) long-suffering Chicago Cubs, I offer a test of Leafs playoff history since their last Stanley Cup victory in 1967: the experiences that have hardened and malformed the twisted spirit of Leafs fandom.
If you get through it without crying, you must be new here: welcome! If you get more than half right, consider yourself a true Leafs fan (with my condolences and my solidarity).
1. Since they last won the Stanley Cup, the Leafs have faced the Ottawa Senators in the playoffs four times. How many of those series did Ottawa win?
Zero.
2. Fun start! Over the same period, Toronto has faced the Boston Bruins in the playoffs seven times. How many of those series did Toronto win?
Also zero.
3. Oh. Over the same time period, the Leafs made it to the Conference Final round five times. How many of those series did the Leafs win?
Zero again.
4. In the first of those Conference Final runs, in 1978, Lanny McDonald, playing with a broken wrist, scored the overtime goal that eliminated the ascendant New York Islanders. The following season, McDonald led the Leafs with 43 goals. How would Leafs management reward him in 1979?
They traded him.
5. McDonald, Phil Kessel and Nazem Kadri were each traded by the Leafs after playoff disappointments. Which of them went on to win the Stanley Cup with another team?
All of them.
6. Which of the following was not the nickname of a Leafs goalie who appeared for them in the playoffs: the Cat, Cujo, the Monster, the Popcorn Kid, the Eagle, Bunny, Soupy?
Jonas “the Monster” Gustavsson played during a period the Leafs did not make the playoffs.
Mike “the Popcorn Kid” Palmateer, Bunny Larocque, Felix “the Cat” Potvin, Curtis “Cujo” Joseph, Eddie “the Eagle” Belfour and Jack “Soupy” Campbell all had playoff appearances for Toronto at some point.
7. Which has happened more frequently since 1967: the Leafs have won a playoff series; the Leafs have missed the playoffs; the Leafs have lost in the first round?
Missing the playoffs has been most common: it happened 21 times. They have lost in the first round 20 times and won 20 total playoff rounds.
8. “It was 4-1” refers to Toronto’s third-period, game-seven collapse against Boston in 2013. But why might Leafs fans who remember Harold Ballard’s 1980s teams also cry, “It was 3-1”?
Because the Leafs blew a three games to one series lead against the Detroit Red Wings in round two in 1987 (the first time they had ever blown such a lead). BONUS: It happened again against the Montreal Canadiens in round one in 2021.
9. In game six of their second-round series against the New Jersey Devils in 2000, how many total shots on net did the Leafs get in trying (and failing) to stave off elimination?
Six.
10. Everyone knows that in Game 6 of the semifinal against the Los Angeles Kings in 1993, Wayne Gretzky cut Doug Gilmour with a high stick in overtime and then scored the winning goal after he should have been ejected, and that Kerry Fraser was the referee who blew the call. But which Leaf had Fraser sent to the penalty box for the entirety of that overtime?
Glenn Anderson.
11. Who is worse: Fraser (blown call, 1993), Corey Perry (knee to Tavares’s head, 2021), Brad Marchand (being a rat, all eternity)?
Trick question. They are all the absolute worst.
12. In February 2012, Toronto was cruising into the playoffs. Then they lost 10 of their next 11 games and won only a single home game for the remainder of the season. What metaphor did general manager Brian Burke employ to describe the collapse?
13. That 2012 disaster marked eight years since the Leafs had played in the playoffs. Was that period of never getting your hopes up easier to stomach than the spirit grinder of annual playoff losses?
No. No, it was not.
14. If somehow this does turn out to be the year, and the Leafs end this playoff run with a Stanley Cup win for the first time since 1967, what subject will dominate discussion among Leafs fans and pundits the next day?
The unlikelihood of fitting free agents Mitch Marner, Matthew Knies and John Tavares under the salary cap next year, and whether one or all should have been traded earlier to extract value from their expiring contracts. Every silver cloud has a dark lining.
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